You may have seen this post make its way through Facebook or some other corner of the Internet. “Oh, how ridiculous!” You may exclaim. Or not. That’s your choice. I’m not going to condemn the choice of a woman to want to become the ultimate housewife. If that’s your bag and you do it well, congratulations. But you probably don’t want to read this.
As a Millenial, I feel it’s my duty to compile an updated version for the modern woman to please her husband. Or boyfriend, or partner in crime, associate, whatever you like.
Have dinner ready
Plan your meals weeks in advance. Start a Blue Apron subscription, Plated, Hello Fresh. You are now a 5-Star Chef and your man is gonna be fucking pumped. Order those 3-meals for two deals and get that shit delivered. Who has time to go to the store? You’ve got other shit to do! You order everything online because people are terrible and actual stores are just filled with bad lighting, terrible people, and lies. Open up those boxes when they come, take out the portions given and discover…wow, there’s totally not enough food in here even for me… Shit. Do I even know what portion control is? Do I eat a ridiculous amount of food? Cook that shit anyway, feel like Gordan Ramsey! When all is said and done, put that shit on some nice plates you stole from your old job and serve it up while you watch Netflix. And realize yeah, that was wholly unsatisfying. Order Chinese.
You know your man wants to see you done up just right when he gets home. Spend hours in the mirror, trying to perfect that winged eyeliner. Your first attempt will go awry. That new Kat Von D eyeliner just isn’t what you’re used to. Your eyes are getting blacker and blacker as you rub away the failed attempts. Maybe if you put some eyeshadow over it he won’t even notice? After you’ve YouTubed various makeup tutorials to no avail, decide to tell him it’s Emo #TBT. Is #TBT still a thing? You don’t care. Your man probably just wants to do a Breaking Bad binge anyway, what’s he gonna notice if you crawl into your couch cocoon looking like a raccoon?
Clear away the clutter
Your shitty apartment near downtown needs a facelift. Look up how to Fung Shui the hell out of your digs. Hell yeah, fucking energy flows, right? Yellow bathrooms or kitchens or whatever that Pinterest infographic told you was legit. Throw all the BS of your old life into a box and stash it in the storage cupboard you use for old board games, blankets, and pillows you just can’t get yourself to throw away. You don’t want to get rid of your junk forever. What if you need that remote from the tv you first owned? What about all those dead batteries from the junk drawer, you can’t just throw those out! You might need those awards you got in high school for something down the road. After all, Millenials are all about getting participation awards, right? Fuck it. Wallpaper your bedroom with them.
Prepare the children
If you have real children, throw them in a bath tub and gently air dry them like a nice sweater. Or whatever you do with kids. I’m not a scientist. Make sure their fingers aren’t sticky and they don’t have Play-Doh stuck in their teeth. If you have fur children, get ready for a fucking fashion show! Go to the pet store, order from Amazon, whatever’s more convenient. Get those cats and dogs, bunnies and snakes some damn fancy duds and parade them past your hubby when he walks in the door.
Minimize all noise
Is that Kylie Jenner lip plumping thing still, you know, an actual thing? Bring it back. Plump your lips so much you can no longer speak. Your hubby will enjoy the peace and solitude of coming home to your tomb-like digs as you wait for him to notice your new look over dinner. He probably won’t; he’s been on Twitter the whole time, trolling Donald Trump and retweeting Val Kilmer.
No one likes a nagger. Instead of telling him your complaints as he’s late to dinner every night of the week, subtweet him savagely. Compare his lateness to Amtrak. Remind him of all the consequences being late could entail. Offer classic pop culture references as credible evidence. “Remember that time The Bishop in that Monty Python bit kept showing up late? Boom. Dead guy, dead guy, dead guy.” Remember, whatever nagging you do about time to his face could be the icing on the cake of a terrible day at work. Perhaps he’s late because his boss is overworking him. Perhaps he had a last minute project to finish. Perhaps he lost his job to someone entirely underqualified and was just drinking away the pain. Don’t make it worse by communicating to his face. Be passive-aggressive instead.
Make him comfortable
Buy those weird facial masks off Amazon and give your man a facial. Buy him an easy chair. Buy him new slippers. Buy him a personal massage. Land yourself in terrible debt. Become a certified massage therapist. Become extremely annoying when talking to friends about your knowledge of healing energy and chakras, the wonders of mud, and virtual dolphin therapy.
Listen to him
Your manchild will come home from work all pouty and whatnot, and the least you could do is lend him an ear. Listen to him exactly as he listens to you; with your phone in front of your face, averting your eyes, and making the occasional “uh huh”. You totally heard him bitch about Karen in accounting. But also like, this dude filled his house with puppies for his girlfriend soooo… you kinda have to watch that too.
Make the evening his
Girl, you’ve had all day to be the most important person in the world. Now it’s his turn. Make him feel like a king! Set the mood with candles, dim lighting. Roll out some purple cloth and tell your man he most certainly cannot enter the house with his feet touching the ground. If he protests that doing so is to act like a god, tell him King Priam would do the same. His long day at the office was probably just like, one big battle he totally won. Goad him into walking across that purple cloth and into the living room. It may or may not be your fault when he dies off-stage.
Forget you are a human being and become a fictional version of a person. Your hubby is real and you are no longer the protagonist in your own life. Write a fanfiction about how great your life would be if only your husband cared about your comfort/personality/more than your birthing loins.